All three north county schools held their graduation ceremonies, meaning that it is officially summer and that I can finally get back to covering the real things that matter in the world like Justin Bieber calling out Tom Cruise on Twitter and challenging him to a fight in the octagon, the women’s US National team beating Thailand like they stole something and, oh yeah, game six of the NBA Finals (Sorry hockey, not even a game seven in the championship game is enough to force me to cover a sport that has people riding atop daggers that have been glued to their feet.)
Now, first things first, Biebs vs Maverick, what a wild idea. I have spent more time than I would like to admit pondering just how Biebs landed on Tom Cruise, who is 31 years older than him, and I still don’t have a confident answer. Was he watching the “Mummy” remake and furiously proclaimed he wanted to fight Cruise for ruining Brendan Fraiser’s masterpiece? Because if that is the case I am OK with it. Maybe he just ate a whole tray of special brownies before watching “Tropic Thunder” and thinks that’s what Tom Cruise looks like now, although, I would be scared of “Tropic Thunder” Tom. I can tell you for a fact he wasn’t watching “Jack Reacher” when he came to this conclusion because Tommy was not playing around in that movie.
The proclamation of war also made me wonder, would you rather fight long-haired Tom Cruise or shorter-haired Tom Cruise? The correct answer, you would think, would be long-haired Tom because obviously, short-haired Tom is more streamlined and ready for action, but upon further review, the correct answer is to fight shorter-haired Tom so he can’t whip those glorious locks around for distraction. My original idea was that maybe someone in the crew was like, “Yo, which celebrity do you think you could take in a fight that is 30 years older than you?” I know that seems oddly specific but I don’t know Beiber’s friends so who am I to judge their hypothetical conversations inside my head? Here is the thing, Bieber is only one year younger than me so our list of potential celebrities to fight 30 years older than us would be very similar. Let's look at some of the names he passed on for Tom Cruise: Mike Meyers, Quentin Tarantino, Larry the Cable guy and Johnny Depp! In all seriousness though, I went into this column thinking I could mash any 56-year-old actor but I have never been more wrong in my life. Jet Li and Wesley Snipes are both 56 and could insult my mother right in front of and there is nothing I could do about it except courtesy laugh because of how scared I would be.
Now, let's look at the tale of the tape. The age we’ve covered so let's move to height. According to the internet, Biebs has a slight advantage being listed at 5-foot-9 which also gives him the slight reach advantage at 68 inches over 65 inches. That is pretty much where the advantages stop for the pop singing playboy that once received a five-finger kiss from Legolas while at a club in Ibiza. By my count, Cruise has saved the world at least five times to Biebers zero, he performs his own stunts, he is Ethan Hunt and he is a Scientologist or a slave to Scientology or has some affiliation with them. I don’t know what Scientology has to do with this conversation but it has to count for something because I imagine they run a lot like Hydra from the “Captain America” movies. Advantage, Tom Cruise.
Usually the summer can be a slow season for sports but not during those fateful years where we get the Olympics or the World Cup. This year we have been blessed with the latter as the Women’s World Cup officially kicked off this week. In all honesty, I think we should start referring to the Women’s World Cup as just the “World Cup” and the Men’s World Cup should have the gender distinction in front of it because let's face it, our women are rock stars and our men are more like roadies. Want proof? Well our women’s team opened group stage play with a 13-0 victory against Thailand. Yes, you read that right, we dropped a football score on them in futbol. Now there is outrage over the USWNT for scoring so many goals and for celebrating? Seriously? Talk about snowflakes, this isn’t your son or daughters rec league team, this is the World Cup. These women have trained their entire lives to make it to this stage and we want humility from them? Why? Stressing humility at any professional level is ridiculous. It isn’t a professional athletes’ job to teach kids how to act and how to win and if your child is just blindly copying anything they see on television and you can’t stop them from doing it then I think there are way bigger issues in your life than someone celebrating after a goal.
I think everyone is also forgetting that this is group stage play, meaning goal differential is very important in determining who advances and each of the other two teams in the US group will get their shot at Thailand, too. It is also bizarre that no one has mentioned that for four of the seven girls that scored, that was their first goal in the World Cup. I don’t care if it’s 40-0, if I were to ever score a goal in the World Cup I can promise you I would get carded for my celebration and would not apologize to anyone and these women shouldn’t have to either. That was their moment and they deserve it, they sacrificed countless weekends and trips and birthday parties and everything growing up to give their life to soccer so they could score in the World Cup, so let them celebrate.