Many people speculated that LeBron James chose the Los Angeles Lakers in free agency more due to the opportunities and business that he can conduct in Los Angeles over Cleveland. His Barbershop show called “The Shop” on HBO hasn’t necessarily been a hit as far as ratings in a day of who you know, he managed to have Antonio Brown and Anthony Davis on while both of them were embroiled in controversy and not talking to any media. That alone shows the power and reach that LeBron has with celebrities, or at the very least, sports stars. It has also been reported that LeBron is starting production on a “Space Jam 2” and I am here to tell you that I have absolutely no idea who is going to be in the movie but I can tell you who should be.
Now before we can know who we will have in the second movie we must first remember who we had in the first movie. After all, those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it, I believe one Winston Churchill taught us that. So upon extensive research on this subject do you know what the first thing I realized was? The little aliens chose a bunch of losers! Not a single NBA champion in the bunch, not even one of those end-of-the-career-legacy-grab championships, zip, zilch, nada. Shawn Bradley, Larry Johnson, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing and Muggsy Bogues add up to zero NBA titles, 24 all-star appearances, two Rookie of the Years, one super freakishly tall guy and one ridiculously small guy. OK, so Johnson and Ewing each won an NCAA title and perhaps that can play a factor but c’mon now you aren’t going to beat the Globetrotters with the Washington Generals.
So let's get the obvious picks out of the way. Boban Marjanovic and Shawn Bradley are literally interchangeable. They are both absurdly tall and kind of sort of look like MonStars already. It was honestly the easiest choice and if you have ever seen the “Boby and Toby Show” that Marjanovic and teammate Tobias Harris put on where they basically just have Boban learn parts of American pop culture you would know that he is a delight and needs to be in the movie.
Next, we have to fill the role of Ewing. This one was tough because he was the defensive stopper on the MonStars and arguably the best player on the team. This choice in the movie needs to be able to challenge LeBron at the rim, battle in the post and look somewhat like a MonStar. The player it must be is Anthony Davis. Just imagine seeing that magnificent unibrow he so proudly sports animated. As for game? Davis is widely regarded as one of the best rim protectors in the league and has been since college, much like Ewing. Both players also won NCAA titles and were then also drafted by hopeless franchises. The last and probably sweetest point? We mustn’t forget that LeBron is in the process of wooing free agents to Los Angeles and what better way to show someone the fruits of LA than putting them in a movie?
The Barkley pick is the toughest one and the one that took the most consideration. After careful deliberation, it has been decided that Blake Griffin would be perfect for this role. While Sir Charles is certainly the better player, Griffin is funny and his comedic timing is impeccable. Griffin has one of the best chances to flourish after his career as he was seen many times at comedy clubs in LA performing. Some of his old commercials had me in tears and like Chuck, a single part of his game is what resonates with all the fans. They are, or at least were at one point in time, cultural icons for what they did whether it be jackhammering down dunks in 7-footers’ faces or grabbing more rebounds than thought physically possible.
There is only one super small guy in the NBA right now and to be fair he isn’t even really that small. Isaiah Thomas is listed at 5-foot-9-inches which, by NBA standards is pretty short, but as for all the people reading this, I’m not so sure. I also believe that Bogues was chosen more for his handles of the basketball than he was his diminutive size. Kyrie Irving would be the perfect fit. He already starred in “Uncle Drew,” it is in the top five worst movies I’ve ever seen, so he has proven that he can act and most importantly he and Lebron want to make up so bad. They are like that couple you know that constantly breaks up, bad mouths each other to everyone that will listen and then magically end up back together a few weeks later. It’s going to happen, trust me. The only problem is that Irving isn’t a loser. He has won a championship, therefore, disqualified. Que Kemba Walker. He is 6-foot-1-inch, has one some of the best handles in the league and (checks notes) he is a free agent starting this summer.
Maybe I am just too young to remember the greatness of Johnson but he always just seemed like a throw-in player in “Space Jam” to me. I know he won an NCAA title, was a Rookie of the Year and a two-time All-Star but everyone else in the movie seemed to fit, except him. Barkley, Ewing, Bogues and Bradley all made sense to me in their own individual way but Johnson didn’t. So in honor of this, the fifth starter of the MonStars will be Khris Middleton. Who? Exactly. He was an All-Star this season for the Milwaukee Bucks and is a fantastic outside shooter but most people wouldn’t know who he was if he walked off the street and sat in their lap.
Marjanovic, Griffin, Davis, Middleton and Walker are your starting five for the MonStars in “Space Jam 2” and if they aren’t, I will definitely still see the movie anyway.