Do you guys remember that new football league that started up not too long ago and then folded before it even finished its inaugural season, I think it was called the Alliance of American Football or something like that? Me either! The XFL is here and our first taste was ego soaked, over-produced and utterly amazing the way only a WWE production can provide.
For a while we have known the eight different locations for the XFL that is coming in February of 2020 being Dallas, Houston, Los Angeles, New York, St. Louis, Seattle, Tampa Bay and Washington but Wednesday morning we finally got our first real taste as they released team names and logos, and most precious of all, promo videos for each. Are you ready? I am going to show you the descriptions they sent accompanying each of the team’s name and logo releases. Here is the best part though, it is not a description as we all thought but a script for the videos they produced for each team. Read them in your best Sam Elliott voice and picture weird cuts to caves, animals and other things that in some way shape or form scream toughness and grit.
D.C. Defenders: On the shoulders of giants, they stand tall. Unconquerable. Unyielding. Marching ever forward. A force united. One quest. One purpose. One resolve. Seeking glory through grit. Victory through valor. The DC Defenders. Taking their stand.
Dallas Renegades: Deep in the heart of Texas, beats a different kind of pulse. A spirit untamed. A swagger that can’t be denied. Where big meets bold meets badass. This is outlaw country, inside the lines. This is hell on wheels, between hash marks. This is their home on the range. The Dallas Renegades. Raising Hell
Houston Roughnecks: Resolute. Rippling with heat. Railing against fatigue. Unceasing and often unseen, they labor deep in the trenches. Mercenaries in the muck. Brawlers in blackened dirt. Not just for three hours. Not just when the lights are bright. These are the scratching, grinding, never-bending few. The Houston Roughnecks. Going to work for you.
Los Angeles Wildcats: In the land of bright lights. Far from the flash and fame. They’ve already begun to prowl. Enter their den and be dominated. Run away and be ripped apart. This is prime time meets primal instinct. This is showtime with a snarl. This is our time to roar. The L.A. Wildcats. Unleashed.
New York Guardians: Sentries carved of stone. Watchdogs over the metropolis. A prehistoric predator. A beast evolves, turned loose in a new kind of jungle. All teeth and talons, eyes unblinking. They know fear because they feed off it. They are your first line of defense, and there is no need for a second. The New York Guardians. On duty.
St. Louis BattleHawks: Winged warriors. Preparing for flight. Preparing to fight. They await their orders. Then attack as one. Diving, dodging, swooping, striking. Their mission: create chaos. Their mandate: win at all costs. The St. Louis BattleHawks. Cleared to engage.
Seattle Dragons: Rising from the turbulent sea. Beneath the darkening skies of their weather-hardened home. Relentless, ruthless, ravenous. Not of mythology, but of muscle and might. Not of folklore, but of football. This is your darkest fantasy, in cleats. The Seattle Dragons. Breathing fire.
Tampa Bay Vipers: In the shadows, they wait. Demons, born in darkness. Hunters by instinct. Cold-blooded by nature. Their bite, unavoidable. Their grip, inescapable. They slither and stalk their competition. Luring all who challenge them, into the jaws of defeat. The Tampa Bay Vipers. Ready to strike.
Mercenaries in the muck, railing against fatigue, run away and be ripped apart, this is your darkest fantasy, in cleats. Whoever wrote these has a real lucrative future in paperback romance novels and honestly, they deserve a raise. Now the logos, not as much work put into those it seems. Most of the logo’s look like whoever created them just went on Madden 12 and created eight new teams and thought we wouldn’t notice but there are some good things. First and foremost the St. Louis Battlehawks logo is the best one, it’s amazing it’s also pretty much exactly the Jedi Order logo from Star Wars. The next best logo is the New York Guardians, who also had the best promo video. Their logo is a side view of what looks like a vampire lion statue, which is very on brand for a team led by Gargoyles. The DC Defenders are a close third. It’s a bright red shield with criss-crossed lightning bolts with three stars filling the gaps in between.
As we have figured out in the past the key to these leagues will be the TV deals that they are able to cut for two reasons. First, the AAF proved that people will watch subpar football if it is on TV and easily found by putting up big ratings in its first couple of weeks when it was on mainstream cable networks. Major TV deals lead to more exposure and more fans which makes the brand sticky but most importantly it is where all the money resides. The AAF folded when they ran out of money to keep the lights on but one advantage that the XFL does have is the blueprint of what doesn’t work right in front of them.