Which sports star would you choose to save your life?

The question is simple: If you found yourself in a dangerous situation and had to choose one person from the world of sports to save your life, who would you choose? Maybe LeBron James? JJ Watt? Conor McGregor? All great choices, but who is the best?

The best part of this game is that it is subjective. Every answer is technically right. Then again, every answer is technically wrong. In order to be an arbiter of this conversation, I knew I needed to perform an extensive amount of research on the top prospects, and that is exactly what I spent my week doing. I combed the internet for any tidbit or morsel of information that I could find that might lead me to the answer.

I have created this list of some of the top choices and why they are, or aren't, worthy to be chosen. It’s essentially a Mount Rushmore of badasses.  

LeBron James is a 6-foot, 8-inch, 250-pound warrior carved from marble. It is rumored that when he was younger he could grab a quarter off THE TOP OFF THE BACKBOARD. He once dunked a basketball while simultaneously jumping clean over another full grown man.  If we are being honest, the only thing mortal about LeBron James is his hairline.

His leadership skills are unmatched. This dude has led his team to the finals seven years in a row no matter who is on it. He once took two guys named Boobie Gibson and Zydrunas Ilgauskas to the NBA finals. I imagine if you gave LeBron three babysitters, an auto mechanic and a mailman, plus two weeks to prepare, he could turn them into Seal Team 6, ready to rescue you from an alien POW camp.

He seems like the obvious choice out of the NBA, but that is why I did my research. Did you know that James Johnson, the small forward for the Miami Heat, is a second-degree black belt with a 20-0 record in MMA and claims he could roundhouse kick a basketball out of the net? Earlier this season he two-pieced a 6-foot, 10-inch player from the Congo whose first name is Serge!

JJ Watt looks like the type of guy who grabs the giant plastic scoop, overflowing with powder cascading down its sides, from a 10-pound bag of protein powder and sticks it directly into his mouth and chews it without liquid. When I first started playing this game I thought he was the perfect choice. He is huge, he is strong, he lives in Texas (I don’t know if this is true, but I once heard that everyone, even the animals, are packin’ heat in Texas) and he saw LeBron jump over someone and decided, “Hey, I think I can do something like that too.”  Then he jumped over Jimmy Kimmel and his sidekick Guillermo on a light night show. He grew up in Wisconsin, so you know he has his wilderness badge, and this polar bear of a man used to play hockey.

But then I realized something — I was falling in love with meatheads. Like a teenage girl, I was obsessed with big muscles, charming smiles, and physical attributes. JJ Watt, Gronk, John Cena, they are all the same. But what if I needed saving in the ocean? Or what if I am captured by aliens and being held captive in their ship, but the hallways are only four feet tall because they are small little green men? How could John Cena save me if he can’t even fit in the front door?

*Guy in the back of the room yells, “What about Brady?” If you choose Brady you are for sure dead. Please — those feeble arms and Ichabob Crane legs couldn’t save you in Nerf war.*

Now enter the notorious one, Conor McGregor. Is he the biggest? Certainly not. Is he the smartest? Probably not, but there is not one other voice on earth I would rather hear raining down insults while beating up generic action movie henchman in a control room just beyond the two-way mirror that separates me from the boss than his.

He calls his shots more than anyone in history and is the king of trash talk. When he won his second belt in the UFC (meaning he was the champion of not one, but two divisions) he told Joe Rogan, “ I just want to take this moment to apologize…  TO ABSOLUTELY NOBODY, because the double champ does whatever the [bleep] he wants.” (Fun fact: One time a wrestler asked McGregor if he knew anything about wrestling and he responded, “I can rest my [bleeps] on your forehead,” and then knocked him out in the first round.

Others receiving votes: Laird Hamilton is an absolute legend and should undeniably be considered. He rides waves so big that their whitewater falls down to the earth like rain and his jaw is so chiseled you could probably use it to open your beer. Ashton Eaton is the two-time defending gold medalist in the decathlon. Back in the day, before Bruce became Caitlyn, the winner of the decathlete was widely regarded as the world's most athletic man. No matter what the circumstance, Eaton is a worthy choice. Chuck Norris is mostly known for being an action star, but he started as a martial artist. He has a 10th-degree black belt, a 9th degree, 8th degree, 5th degree and 3rd-degree black belts in various different fighting styles and was the Professional Middleweight Karate Champion for six consecutive years. He is like if Inspector Gadget was just full of weapons. I bet Chuck Norris could kill you with any part of his body. Also, it has been rumored that his tears can cure cancer, but he has never cried.

I hope this list has prepared you for this very hypothetical situation and armed you with weird facts that you will remember forever.


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