••KEEP••Lee Pitts Mug
Lee Pitts is an independent columnist for The Atascadero News and Paso Robles Press; you can email them at leepitts@leepittsbooks.com.

We’ve all received a bull sale catalog in the mail and drooled over the offering. Usually, there is always one bull that you fall in love with, knowing that you could never afford such a bull because he’ll probably sell for $20,000 to as much as $100,000 to an A.I. stud or another purebred breeder. Well, it seems one mischievous man has figured out a way to get a big discount and buy such a bull for only $2,750. And he has done this at several bull sales across cow country.

A secret source has informed me of these very alarming misdeeds that could cost purebred breeders dearly. If you’re a cattleman, you know that even the nicest, most well-behaved bull in the world has a point that he will blow up. It seems that a creepy slime ball is going to bull sales bright and early on sale day and getting in the pen that contains the bull he desires. Usually, it’s the best bull in the sale. When no one is watching, this misbehaving miscreant throws rocks and chases the gentle bull all over the pen and mistreats him to the point that he blows up and attacks everyone who dares enter the bull’s domain.

For the rest of the morning, the scoundrel warns anyone who might enter the pen that he’s endangering his very existence. If a potential bull buyer enters the pen, he might ask the scam artist who is usually sitting on the top rail of the sturdy fence, “Is that bull safe?”

“He’s a whole lot safer than you are right now,” the culprit will say.


Or the rogue will make remarks like, “Too bad, I kinda liked that bull on paper, but he’s a man-killer that belongs in the Houston rodeo, not on anyone’s ranch.”

If this doesn’t scare all the potential buyers off, our wrongdoer will say, “That bull sure doesn’t walk right. Wouldn’t last a week on my place.” Or, “I really like that bull, but look at its bad left leg.” He says such things even though the bull is structurally correct in every way. Still, potential buyers will spend hours staring at the bull, trying to find the physical deformity that doesn’t exist.

If that didn’t run off any late-arriving buyers, the shyster says, “I had a bull out of the same sire and ended up with calves with two heads, five legs, and a backbone that was more crooked than Nancy Pelosi.”

The con man will stay in the pen until it’s time to eat the free lunch and when it comes time to sell the bull, usually in the first five because that’s the best place in the sale order to put your best bull, curious cattlemen will watch the crook to see if he bids. If he does, the scam would fail, and that’s why the crooked cowboy travels with a female accomplice who appears briefly and only to buy the supposed defective bull. The accomplice pays for the bull with a driver’s license and one other form of identification… all fake, and a check that is more bouncy than the bikini-clad babes on Baywatch. Then they load up their $2,750 herd sire and escape faster than you can say, “STOP that trailer with the license plate covered in cow dung.”

The male part of the pair is 5’10” and wears a cowboy hat pulled down around his eyes and a COVID mask covering everything else. He goes by several aliases, including Booger Red, Fresno Fred, Torjan Lovely, Lying Jim, Jorge Rellano, Hunky Dory Bill, Pronto Charley, One Thumb Frank, Dirty Mike, Stinky Pete, Orpheus Kerr, Rattlesnake Slim and Chortle Ashbottom.

You can see an FBI artist’s rendition of the villain at your local Post Office. Purebred breeders, if this man shows up at your bull sale, approach with caution as he is considered alarmed and dangerous. The best way to not get stung is to have a representative on sale day in every pen armed with a shotgun and shells filled with rock salt to discourage such behavior. One application should be more than adequate.

A vigilante committee of purebred breeders who have been violated by this crook have put up a $50,000 reward for this culprit WANTED dead or alive.