By Lee Pitts

Have you ever wondered about all these holidays that shouldn’t be, like National Situational Awareness Day, National Ball Point Pen Day or National Cupcake Day? 

When I heard about National Bubble Wrap Day, National Play-Doh Day and National Talk Like A Pirate Day, I just had to find out what a person has to do to get a day. It turns out that a person like me can’t get a National Lee Pitts Day, that would have to be done by an act of Congress and I haven’t paid off any politicians, so I doubt that’s going to happen. But an organization or a business can register a day, week or month with The National Day Calendar.

I bet you’re wondering how much it costs to have a National No-Beard Day, a National Do A Grouch A Favor Day or National Make Up Your Mind Day? All holidays mentioned in this column are real! A corporate package costs an initial $25,000 and to keep National Pop Goes The Weasel Day or National Static Electricity Day on the calendar costs an additional $2,500 yearly.

National Day Calendar says it’s very picky in accepting new dates and they only add 30 new ones yearly out of the 20,000 nominated. But if they’re so picky, how have we ended up with National Get Over It Day, National Lost Sock Day, National Rat Catcher’s Day, National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friends Day and National Kiss And Make Up Day? As for me, I celebrate National Hermit Day 365 days a year.

Some of the crazy national holidays are for good causes like National White Cane Safety Day and National No Bullying Day. Still, you have to wonder who approved National Beheading Day. It’s on Sept. 2, and I’d say it’s a good day to stay close to home, as is National Lazy Day, a day everyone ought to get off work.

We celebrate National Absurdity Day on Nov. 20, but aren’t they all? And I wonder who paid the fee to celebrate Upsy Daisy Day, National No Bra Day (Oct. 13 for you lecherous old men out there), followed five days later by Bra Day USA.

What piqued my interest in these fake holidays days was when Olive Garden promoted National Fettucine Alfredo Day, which certainly got my wife’s attention as she practically lives on the stuff. All sorts of foodstuffs have their holiday, like National Coffee Day on Sept. 29, which you’re going to need to sober up from National Beer Day the previous day. But some of these days can get confusing, like National Grab Some Nuts Day. Are they referring to pistachios, almonds and pecans, which already have their days, or are they referring to something else?

What bothers me is that I only saw one day that featured beef in the first three months of the year that featured beef, National Hamburger Day on March 28. The calendar of national food holidays runs heavy to vegetarians foods like Bloody Mary Day (Jan. 1), Pie, Oatmeal, Chocolate Cake, Cereal, Hot Chocolate, Wine, Spinach, Clam Chowder, Ranch Dressing, Potato Chips (followed by National Tater Day), Eggs Benedict, Pretzels, Grilled Cheese Sandwiches, Sponge Cake, Hummus, Croutons, Hagfish (whatever that is), Ramen Noodles, Biscuits and Gravy, Trail Mix, French Fries, Toasted Marshmallows, Peanut Butter and Jelly and on and on.

So, “Where’s The Beef?” If Sushi can have its day, why not Flank Steak? If Gazpacho and Date Nut Bread can have their day, why not National Tripe or National Menudo Day? But I am a big supporter of National Chips and Dip Day, which falls on March 23, which also happens to be my wedding anniversary, so we can celebrate at Taco Bell instead of Mortons or Ruth’s Chris.

Vegetarians have many holidays to appropriately celebrate, like Eat All Your Veggies Day, National Vegan Day and World Vegetarian Day. Lima Beans, for gosh sakes, even have their day! And police officers have all sorts of days to celebrate with National Cream-Filled Donut Day, Glazed Donut Day, Cream Puff of Pastry Day and two days to celebrate National Donut Day, on the first Friday in June and in early November.

I’m looking forward to May 11, which is National Eat What You Want Day.

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Getting through this together, Atascadero