••KEEP••Lee Pitts Mug
Lee Pitts is an independent columnist for The Atascadero News and Paso Robles Press; you can email them at leepitts@leepittsbooks.com.

Here’s some dialogue you’ll never hear on a real working cow ranch.

“Well boys, shall we retire to the plush confines of the bunkhouse and partake of a bottle or two of Dom Perignon? I find the red summer fruit excites the palate, expresses the fruit, finesse, poise, and mineralogy like no other champagne.”

“Why don’t you drive, and I’ll open all the gates?”

“Oh boy, I just got promoted to be on the fencing crew. Who knows, if I perform well there in 20 years or so, I might be promoted to the windmill team.”


“I suppose you have a valid point,” said the husband to the wife.

“Remind me to send a thank-you note to all the Big Four packers for not bidding on my over-ripe steers in the feedlot once again this week. They seem like such nice people.”

Ranch owner talking to a new hire: “The job comes with a new pick-up, a 72-inch television, and your choice of either a new Lazy Boy or sectional sofa for the media room in your 3,000 square foot personal bunkhouse.”

“I don’t care what our calves sell for at the auction this week as long as they go to a nice person.”

“Great news, honey, our banker just called and said they’re making so much money this year buying Bitcoin stock they aren’t going to charge interest on our loans for the rest of the year.”

“Honey, you’ve worked so hard on the ranch this year, single-handedly raising the kids, keeping house along with your full-time job in town. Why don’t we spend our stimulus money from Uncle Joe and take a two-month vacation to Monaco and Paris.”

Ranch owner to possible buyer: “We’re selling because this ranch never made any money, we’ve spent all my wife’s inheritance, and a cow has to graze 30 miles per hour just to survive.”

“Thank you, Lord, for this beef we’re about to eat and the neighbor who unknowingly provided it.”

“Sure, I’ll give you a 4 percent shrink, keep them off of feed and water, and put a hard work on them before we weigh my calves. And I trust you to read the scale as I bring them up the alley.”

“I’d be glad to pay for all the fencing costs to fix the broken down fence between us.”

“That $400 a ton hay sure is a lot better than I thought it would be and is a real bargain.”

“That knothead of a horse may look as harmless as a pet rabbit, but he is a real man-killer. Why the heck do you think we’re selling it?”

“I’d never knowingly put too much weight on your cattle truck. Should we take a couple off so you won’t get an overload ticket?”

“I’ve already got enough free hats and jackets. Why don’t you give these to someone else?”

“Range bulls sure are cheap this year. I think I’ll buy a few extra just to be on the safe side.”

“I’m thinking about trading my trusty 4 X 4 Cummins for one of them new Tesla triangle truck thingies.”

“Our new BLM gal says we’ll be able to run more cows this year than we ever have.”

“There’s nothing quite as thrilling as the howl of wolves in the calving pasture.”

“I’m sure you’ll like the calves out of our main herd, sire. He has the distinction of being the only bull in history to finish dead last in his class in Denver, Fort Worth, Houston, Rapid City, and San Antonio.”

“Dear, I know I forgot your birthday yesterday and also our anniversary last month. To make up for it, why don’t you take the rest of the afternoon off and I’ll cook dinner and wash the dishes. Just show me where the kitchen is.”

“Can I have another Beyond Beef® burger?”

“I sure wish it would stop raining.”